the actual center of the world is Bayside, Queens

You will never find more fun anywhere

on a Saturday night

Beer fueled fights in front of the 7-11

never elevate past fists

because everyone's too drunk

It's hard to walk in Bayside

and not find a party.

I drove down Bell Boulevard once

completely trashed

really weaving

and all people did was laugh

I think there were cops laughing too.

If there is a gift that the Irish

have given to the world

it is Bayside.

The Flexible Bullet

I don't take illegal drugs

primarily because I don't have any

If I did have some, I would take them

Because as the great sage and eminent junkie once opined

in a world clearly going to hell

what's so low about getting a little high?

Later on we were fishing at the seaport

Kenny Wangler caught a bunch of weird turtle mermaid hybrids

A bunch of guys were going over to Paris

to dance and pick up girls

I was a little disappointed

because I wanted to go to Paris but I don't dance well

and I don't know how to pick up girls

it only happens by accident.

I woke up and IT WAS ALL TRUE!